• Phil

The No Hoper



I have worked as a Trainer for quite some time. My experience has allowed me to recognise the existence of a quite remarkable species of human being. I call them: “The No-hoper.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines a No-hoper as: “an individual who visits the gym, but never gets any results whatsoever.” No-hopers come from all walks of life, yet they all share a number of common traits:


A No-hoper hasn’t got the slightest idea what a tough workout is; it’s been so long since it’s done one. The last time it did anything that resembles real exercise, it was fourteen years old.

A No-hoper skips workouts whenever possible; it always has an excuse. This could be absolutely anything, except for the sentence: “Because I’m a lazy slob.”


No matter how long it’s been working out, a No-hoper’s squat will always resemble a piece of human waste. In fact, technique across all movements will be a total disaster. Correct form makes an exercise harder and is therefore completely unwelcome information to the No-hoper.


A No-hoper prioritises everything over health and fitness. Work, social life, holidays, food, pets, family, 24, STD’s; as long as it’s loosely recognized as a facet of human existence, it automatically comes higher than exercise.


A No-hoper thinks “I do a lot of walking,” is an acceptable answer to the question: “do you do any exercise?”


No Hopers are incapable of maintaining a healthy eating plan, but, somewhat ironically, are always trying out a new diet. The No-hoper cliché of “I’m really committed to it this time” usually means a week of clean food, and then straight back to cake. A no-hoper is about as consistent as diarrhoea. They’re always asking about some obscure foodstuff. “How good are pomegranate seeds?” So you have the remarkable situation where someone who is obese, who hasn’t exercised for 20 years, living on junk food and yet they are asking if the seeds of a pomegranate will help them. Do you vindicate this lunacy by giving a genuine answer, or do you just turn around, bend over and put on a stupid voice and pretend your backside is giving the answer a la Ace Ventura?


A No-hoper will never make any serious improvements in its fitness. Watch one jog a kilometer, it will get the same time it did 12 months earlier and will clock the same time 12 months from now.


No-hopers never have good bodies. If they have great genetics their bodies will be average. Anything else and their bodies will be downright nasty.


A No-hoper is called Derek, Craig, Gary or Angela.


A No-hoper thinks “train hard, eat clean” is a new restaurant in Dubai Marina.


No-hopers think fat burners are a form of cardio. They don’t care that they haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a solid meal in six weeks. They don’t care that they are turning into Amy Winehouse. They don’t even care that they look like they have had a Dyson hose wedged into their person and all their organs sucked out. As long as each time they grace the scales, the “results” improve, they couldn’t give a toss. The best part is that the No-hoper will post the weight-loss up on Facebook and think it deserves the praise that follows. You didn’t actually do anything; you took some pills. Amazing. You are an inspiration.


If you can relate to a number of the points in this article, then perhaps you would consider this: The Circuit Factory is a group exercise class that is more effective than a personal trainer, and is a quarter of the cost. It strips fat and builds cardiovascular fitness faster than anything I have ever seen. In one beautifully painful hour of your life, we will change your relationship with exercise, forever.


Much love, Philip

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